omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
