Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
