I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Randomize
