My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
