My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
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