Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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