my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Randomize
