Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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