I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
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The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
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Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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