Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I didn't notice because vodka
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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