I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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