We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
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Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
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Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
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