Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
