I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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