How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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