Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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