what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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