Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
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