I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
