Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
