I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Randomize
