I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Randomize
