Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
