guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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