I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
