Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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