you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
