It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
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