Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
