I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
