Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
