He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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