Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
