I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
