90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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