Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
