Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
