does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
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