I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
