my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
