its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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