So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
