There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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