Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Randomize
