If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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