All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize
