If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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