zippers are such a cool invention
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
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