that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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