I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
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