I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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