Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
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