Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
