just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
