Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Randomize
