we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
