You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
