I wanna passion pit in your ass
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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