and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
